Prongs and the RedHaired Wench
by The Potter Identity
Summary: Christmas Eve with complications. James and Lily oneshot.


All right. I owe you an explanation. This is completely out of the blue, but I was sitting at my computer, and the beginnings of a glorious sex scene linked together in my weathered little mind. And not wanting to defy the writing gods, I set about to applying said sex scene to the first sexy couple I could think of: James and Lily. Most unfortunately, however, life and contradicting characters interfered, and the scene got botched. And I realize that it's wrong to write a Christmas sequence in July. But it's hot out. And I miss Christmas. So here goes.

"Prongs and the Red-Haired Wench"

James Potter and Lily Evans sat side by side on a loveseat, their profiles cinched together, with a fire happily crunching at logs in the backround. His hands crept through her hair and he felt his lips slowly begin to swell up from the pressure of Lily's mouth and the slight allergy that he'd developed to her lip gloss. Velvet snowflakes winked in through the accidentally open window, and though Lily could see James perfectly with her crackling green eyes, she still groped him like a blind woman.

And while Lily watched, James tasted. He tasted toothpaste and the hot milky tea with whiskey that his mother had made them for their "sore throats." Beyond that honey sweetness, there was still a whisper of her sugared coffee from that morning, and the flavor of her streaming red hair. He knew that red hair didn't have a flavor, not really, but it felt like it did. So he tasted her hair. And the tea, coffee, and toothpaste. And perhaps a strawberry that she'd eaten in her breakfast cereal. And the sudden steel-y taste of blood. Wait a minute.

"Ouch," he grunted, withdrawing his tongue. He frantically began to wave at the inside of his mouth with frantically flapping hands. "Ow, ow, ow….fucker…..damndamndamndamn…."

"What's the matter?" Lily queried, a bit annoyed at the abrupt distraction.

"Eaughhh!" James emoted, searching for his glasses with one hand and directing air into his mouth with the other.

"What is it? What's wrong with you?"

"Buggerbuggerbuggerbugger!" James recovered his glasses and proceeded to leap off the couch and hop around in a tiny, uneven circle. "Gaaaagh…."

Lily dropped her hands to her slender hips and threw the jumping maniac her mother's best glare. "If this is male for 'I'm breaking up with you,' I'll have you know that I'm not amused."

"Lily—" James managed with a gasp.

_"What?"_

"You bit my tongue!" He raced to the window and shoved his head out into the icy night air. Lily loftily made her way to his side.

"Your tongue?"

"Look," James breathed, somewhat overcoming the initial agony, "I know it sounds stupid, but I've got a tongue that is highly susceptible to injury."

"You're right. That _does _sound stupid." Lily giggled and edged towards her flailing boyfriend, wrapping her blue cashmere covered arms around his waist until she was close enough to whisper to him. "I'm sorry, darling. I didn't mean to do it. I just get so…caught up….in the heat of the moment…"

"Lily," James whined, his head still dangling out the window. "Stop trying to turn me on when I'm in pain!"

"I wasn't trying. But I can start now." Lily lifted her eyebrows and set about hauling James back into civilized society. "Come back here, you great, sexy bastard," she growled. It was Christmas Eve; James' parents were out; her libido level was running astonishingly high.

"Fine." James grumbled something about genetically tender tongues, but complied, and moved back onto the couch to find himself promptly lying down and pinned under Lily's fierce little hands. Somehow in the last thirty-six seconds or so, she'd managed to whip off her sweater, and now (as she panted over his fully clothed and amazed form) she held him down, bare armed and beautiful.

"Want to see a trick?" she said shyly, considering the situation. James nodded meekly. Lily squinted. James watched in only half-horror as his shirt swiftly unbuttoned itself and Lily's hair began to tickle his chest.

"Wh—what the fuck? How--?"

"Wordless magic," Lily winked. "Not bad, huh?"

"My, we've gotten frisky," James said finally, vaguely amused but still slightly frightened.

"We've got two weeks off before we have to go back to school, and I do not plan on spending it in celibacy," Lily said, quite businesslike as she started to strip off her blue jeans.

"Hmm." James thoroughly enjoyed Lily when she was horny. Not that this actually happened often in the public eye, but it was still entertaining when it did. Now she was nearly nude and still sitting on top of his chest with bared claws. He noticed how vulnerable her small and lovely breasts looked inside her pink brassiere dotted with—what else?—delicate white lilies.

"What?" she said suspiciously as he leered.

"Cute bra," he answered, squeezing his own eyes shut and opening them in time to watch the skimpy pink garment float off her pale freckled skin and fly to the floor. Lily's lips curled up.

"Dirty boy," she said breathily. James smirked.

"God, if I'd known this would work when we were in fourth year…"

"Well, it's working now, isn't it, darling?" Lily purred, lowering herself over James' body.

"Mmm," he murmured into the kiss she gave him. He felt his glasses being knocked off his head and clattered to the floor next to Lily's bra. Her fingers were thin and warm and silky and felt good as they ran through his hair and down his shoulders. And yet—

"Lily?" he said tentatively.

"Yes?" she answered, kissing his neck.

"Can I be on top this time?"

"No," she said instantly, slipping her hand around to unbutton his pants.

"Please?"

"_No."_

Meanwhile, on the roof of that very same house in London, two cloaked figures sat shivering on the shingles, one clutching a sizable box of Christmas cookies.

"Sirius," the cookie-bearer said through chattering teeth. "Are you _quite_ sure this is the right house?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Sirius said confidently. "I've been breaking in through this skylight since I was twelve! Look here. There he is! He's naked on the couch! Well, nearly naked, anyway. See, Moony?"

"Yes, I see," Remus said, now clenching his teeth in an effort to prevent them from clacking together. "And thanks to your idiotic drinking games, I already know more about James' penis than I'd ever cared to learn…"

"Oh, don't be such a spoilsport, Remus! He's about to shag Lily! Or rather...Lily's about to shag him." Sirius chuckled. "She's really got our Prongs whipped, hasn't she?"

"God, Sirius!" Remus sighed. "We're here to deliver cookies and maybe sing a carol or two, not to play Peeping Toms!"

Sirius looked confused. "Peeping whats?"

"Never mind." Remus shifted uncomfortably, still hugging the box of frequently mentioned cookies. "Listen, Pads, why don't we just go have a drink and come back later? I'm sure they'll be capable of devoting more attention to us then." The edge of the roof suddenly seemed dangerously close. Why had he let Sirius drag him up here to begin with? Why?

"Not a chance, mate." Sirius stretched out his legs. "I'm not missing this for the world."

Remus bit his lower lip. "I'll do your Transfiguration homework for a month."

"Tempting, but no." Sirius reached out and tugged at Remus' woolen sleeve, dragging him over to the frigid glass of the skylight. "Enjoy yourself for once."

Remus stared down at two of his best friends, almost naked, sweating, and touching each other. Enjoyment?

"And stop that shivering. You're making me nervous." Sirius slung an arm over his disgruntled friend, who finally shrugged and pried open the cookie box.

"Fine," he said, crunching into a ginger snap. "I'll keep you company during your dirty pornographic pleasures. But I swear by all that is even slightly holy," he said, raising the half-eaten cookie in solemn oath, "that if you even _mention_ the term 'sexual prowess,' I am jumping off this roof."

Sirius grinned. "Fair enough."

"Hey, Lily," James said, back on the hot and lustful couch.

"What?" Lily breathed, still trying to squirm out of her panties which had, for some reason, decided to fuse to her skin.

"You've got this patch right behind your left ear that tastes just like strawberries."

Lily halted her antics and blinked a long, green blink. "Excuse me?"

"Well, I was licking behind your left ear, and—"

"_Why were you licking behind my left ear?_"

James didn't look nearly as uncomfortable as he should have. "Well, because it was there and I could. I thought it was kind of cool." Lily's eyes went swiveling back into her head. "Really, I didn't think you'd mind."

"That's fine, James," Lily said, sounding strained as she finally wrenched her panties down her milky thighs. _Yes!_ "Just stop being such a weirdo and start concentrating on licking me _below_ the neck, all right?"

"Sirius?" Remus said curiously, back on the roof.

"Yeah?"

"Are you trying to read their lips?" Silence. In spite of himself, Remus smiled. "This is so wrong on so many levels."

"Yeah, isn't it great? There aren't any gingerbread bras left, are there?"

Remus dutifully dug through the cookie box.

"Lily," James said huskily.

"Mmm."

"Lily, there's something wrong with my underwear."

She could physically feel the moment evaporate.

"What does that mean?"

"I mean," James said, blushing, "that there's this—this _possibility_ that I might have been practicing my melding charms on the top button this morning…"

Lily sighed.

"Good lord," Sirius murmured. "It looks like she's trying to blast off his—"

"Gosh, that's fascinating," Remus said dully. "God, I've got this awful itch…"

"It's probably syphilis," Sirius said immediately, eyes still glued to the glass. "It's going around. I got it from Gwenog Jones two weeks ago. Hurts like a bitch. I scratched so much that I thought I might not be able to have children. Not that I'm really very keen on having children, what with them having to carry on the pureblood line and all. God, my family's moronic….what?"

Remus made a failing effort to look les amused than he was. "How did this turn into something about you?"

"Lily, I really don't think the scissors are necessary," James asid nervously.

"Any other suggestions?" Pause. "I thought so. This is the only way." Lily briskly began to slice into the froggy boxers. The frogs cautiously hopped down James' legs. "Why do men even have buttons on their boxers? Wouldn't it be far more efficient just to pull them down?"

"Nope. Too effeminate."

Lily's eyes narrowed. "What did you say?"

"Hey, Moony, what do you suppose those silver things are that she's holding rather threateningly over James' skull? D'you think they might be handcuffs?"

"Mmmm…no….those would be scissors."

"Oh," Sirius said, disappointed. "I thought they might be handcuffs."

"Hrm." Remus curled his cloak tighter around his body. "What do you suppose she's trying to do with them?"

"Well, from the look of it, I would say that she's trying to slice his face open," Sirius said clinically. "Oh, wait. Never mind. They're snogging again. Hey, he's doing that thing with his nose. I've told him a thousand times not to do that. What's that look for, Remus?"

"Just marveling at how you manage to never get bored." Remus chuckled. "Also, you've got a cookie crumb on your nose."

Sirius scowled.

Lily tossed the shiny scissors behind her and settled back onto her spot on the couch (or, rather, her spot on James). "Now that that's taken care of, I'm still in my nuddy-pants."

"As am I." James stroked her moonlit skin, glowing under his fingertips, and traced her slim ribs, her pretty breasts, her feminine shoulders. "What do you think about that?"

"I think," Lily said sexily, lowering herself further onto her boyfriend, "I think—" there was a highly unnerving crunch. The color dripped out of Lily's face. "I think that I just broke your glasses."

James sighed.

"I'm so sorry. I was about to say that I thought you were the sexiest bastard ever to live—which I do!—and then I stepped on your glasses. I'm sorry. I'm a loser."

"Worry about that _later_, Lily," James said, a bit annoyed with her flustered antics. "I don't _need_ to see to do what I'm doing!"

"Now we're getting somewhere!" Sirius observed cheerfully.

"James the sex god strikes again," Remus agreed drolly. Sirius sharply turned his head towards him.

"Do you know what your problem is, Moony? The one that prevents you from getting any pleasure out of this?" "Er. Common decency?"

"No!"

"All right then, Padfoot. Enlighten me."

"_You_ are in love with me!" Sirius declared triumphantly. Remus' expression cascaded down his face.

"Ah—what?"

Sirius continued his gloating. "It all adds up! You hate playing idiotic drinking games—"

"That's because they're idiotic."

"You've been cuddling up to me for the past twenty minutes—"

"Because it's really cold."

"And heterosexual sex makes you squeamish!" Before Remus could even think of a retort, he found himself squashed in Sirius' arms, a victim to his experienced kiss.

_Oh, what the hell,_ he thought grudgingly after a moment of frosty shock. _I don't have a girlfriend anyway. And he _is _very good-looking. _So Remus accepted and joined in on the kiss. Not a bad way to start his Christmas Eve. In fact, his spirits were suddenly raised so dramatically that he didn't even notice the slight whine of the straining glass beneath them.

And just when James and Lily were about to do the dirty deed, disaster once again crashed down on them.

"OUCH!" Lily roared with such impact that the couple went tumbling to the floor. "POTTER!"

"What? What'd I do?" James said nervously, blind as a bat and fairly confused.

"You bit my nipple!" Lily seethed. "We've _talked_ about this James, and we've staunchly agreed against it because it's impolite and IT HURTS!"

"God, Lils, I'm so sorry," James sighed.

"It's all right," Lily grumped. She stared into the still burning fire. "Well. That destroyed the mood, I'd say."

"I think the mood was destroyed long ago." James slumped down and stretched his limber legs in front of him. He'd managed to land squarely on the broken scraps of his eyeglasses, and they were biting at his ass. Lily looked affectionately at her nude and pouting stag. She would have liked to have baptized him in champagne; that is, if she didn't know that the cork would somehow manage to lodge itself James' nose.

"We're not very good at this, are we?" she said.

"Nope," James answered flatly. "We certainly aren't."

"It's such a shame," she continued with a sigh. "I mean, look at us. We're very attractive."

"We are."

"And athletic."

"True."

"And passionate! Come on, you chased me around for the better part of five years!"

"And you still fought me off." James grinned a little.

"We just happen to be the least romantic people I know," Lily finished.

"I agree."

The silence hung in the air. Then Lily giggled a flowery little giggle. James glanced up.

"What?"

Lily smiled. "You look good naked in front of a fire."

"Right back at you, princess." A smile flickered over his own lips. Her hair matched the flames perfectly.

"You know," Lily said slyly, inching towards him, "maybe the mood hasn't been destroyed after all…"

On these fateful words, the skylight gave way, and Sirius and Remus came crashing down before them, drenching the room in glass, snow, and stupidity. Sirius looked up with a gleeful grin.

"Hey, Prongs! Hey, Lily! Merry Christmas! Guess what? We're together!" He gave Remus an exuberant kiss on the cheek. Lily blinked.

"Never mind."

"We brought you cookies," Remus mumbled, retrieving the cardboard box that had fallen into the room with them. Averting his eyes, he handed them to Lily.

"Thanks, sweetheart," she said, completely defeated by the situation. "It was a lovely gesture." She tried very hard not to think about the number of times a human being could undergo severe mental stress and still be able to have children, and instead opened the box and burrowed through the baked goods.

Sirius began a happy babble to James with Remus mouthing constant apologies over the mangy cur's shoulder. "And then we climbed up the ivy—nearly dropped the damn cookies, but we got them to you, didn't we? And we sat up on the roof for nearly half an hour watching you—your tactics have really improved in the last year, mate, you know, except for the nose thing—and then we ate some of the cookies because we were hungry…OH! And we saw your mum coming in right before the skylight broke—"

"Great," James muttered.

"And then I was trying to feel up Remus, but it was kind of hard because, you know, we're both so bundled up, and OH MY GOD, MY CLOAK'S ON FIRE!"

Sirius made a fast transition from being an excited puppy dog to a person who has sat too close to open flames and has resorted to bounding about the room in a great ball of ignited winter clothing.

Remus leapt up, pulled out his wand (not _that_ wand, you gutter-minded fiends!), and went racing at his heels.

"Sirius—Pads, you've got to stop running, or I won't be able to put it out. Furthermore, you're going to set the whole room on fire and we've already broken an entire skylight, and—Pads? Are you even listening? SIRIUS!"

As his two best friends began doing flammable laps around the couch, James gave a resigned sigh and turned to Lily, who was crunching at a cookie in the midst of the discarded clothes, broken glass, and insanity. He smiled at her. "Merry Christmas, love."

She raised her cookie in recognition.

"And to you. Chocolate salamander?"

All right. Apologies if you hated it. It was deviously fun to write. (I just can't _wait_ until Laanessness discovers this dirtying her account…) Anyway. Please review. It burns calories. And I'd love to hear from y'all. Stay cool, darlings.

Much love,

Evilemmylou, co-writer of The Potter Identity and slight defect of mankind


End file.
